I'm sure I have mentioned that I work in an ICU and a registered nurse. I love my job, I love what I do and I love the people I work with. We try to take the same patients back when they are in our unit for a long time. Most of us get attached to the patients and the families, I do.
Dealing with death is something we do on almost a daily basis. I have removed IV fluids and feeding tubes, I have given does after does of morphine to help with air hunger and pain to make the transition easier for the patient. I have sat in the room with families to hear their stories of the loved one in the bed and even held one or two as they cried.
Tuesday evening toward the end of shift my patient coded and died. He was only 42 years old but very sick. This one I am having a difficult time with for more than one reason. I did get attached to the family from the first day I took him as a patient last week. He was pulling through the traumatic surgeries and was remaining stable. There was no warning sign with him, he just crashed suddenly. We worked for a long time trying to get him back but, as I have said to my husband, when it's your time nothing can stop it. For the first time in my career I am going over and over in my mind the entire day and even the previous one trying to find a clue, wondering if there was something I missed. The nurse working beside me that day has said that I missed nothing, she was right there but still........................................... this one is haunting me.
This is Galveston Island, Texas in June of '07. We have close friends that live about 30 minutes north of the island, a very nice place to visit.
My husband and I just got back from a kid free vacation in a very remote location. It was wonderful! On the day before we left, I got some WONDERFUL news ---------------- my mother in law is moving out by spring!! This bit of information took so much weight off my shoulders and helped me to relax even more last week. As you read from a previous blog this situation has been going on for way to long and has been one of the biggest sources of my stress. I was not here when this conversation took place but according to my husband she wants her own place again. I am so happy and counting the days.
My daughter turned 12 in June and she had a slumber party, this is just one end of the living room that her and her friends decorated. They had a great time! Before the slumber party I took her, my son and 6 of her closer friends to play lazer tag. THAT is a lot of fun!
I enjoy it when my kids bring their friends over to the house. Right now I have two 9 year old boys playing some shooting game, in true 9 year old boy fashion. Listening to them is funny! My daughter has a friend over as well, they are much quieter but their conversations are getting more interesting, when I can hear them. She has not quite gotten boy crazy yet but does have a crush on the one that plays George in the Harry Potter movies.
One of my best friends just had a baby, spending time taking care of this tiny little boy had made me realize just how fast time has gone by! It does not seem that long ago that my girl was only a few weeks old and only 6lbs. Then came my smiling boy that giggles, well he still giggles but he is much bigger now. They grow up so fast I feel that if I blink too many times I will miss something big.
These are my furry babies. I had to be very careful about sliding out from this cuddle so that I could get the picture.
I am just worn out. I know that I am not the only one that is physically tired from day to day living. Today was one of those very unproductive days that leave me feeling guilty. My daughter had her middle school enrollment this morning and that is pretty much the only thing I did. I am always telling other people that taking one day to sit and enjoy a good book or take a nap. However, if I take my own advice, I am full of guilt. This is one of those days, I feel asleep with my son, that was nice, but he must have got up because the next thing I know my phone is ringing and my friend tells me it is about 4:00.
I have never thought of myself as a Type-A personality but lately I am beginning to wonder if I am. Lately I have been having trouble dealing with things I can not control, it makes me insane. Yesterday I was asked if I was a perfectionist, I'm not sure, again I didn't think I was but .......... I asked my husband if he thought I was and he said, "You have a tendency to lean that way but not completely" OK, so maybe that 's a yes. hhhhhmmmm So the question is, how do I fix it?
I have not been myself the last few months. Usually I am the leader in all things goofy, trying to make people laugh, making it a point to embarrass my daughter in public but not lately. Now all I want to do is find a dark place to lay down and be by myself. I don't want to be around people, I don't feel like doing much of anything that I used to. I finally called a psychologist and made an appointment but left feel disappointed. I was told that they don't do the counseling that I was hoping for but he is more than happy to give me a few cards of therapists he recommends. He did talk with me for about an hour, however, then told me he feels I would benefit from antidepressants. First let me say that I have nothing against antidepressants, I took them while in nursing school, it is what helped me deal with school, full time job, kids, husband, clinicals, studying, etc etc. Anyway, I am having a really hard time getting myself to take them now. So, I have six cards of "good" therapists and a bag of medication. Not what I expected from this appointment but I guess it is a step in the right direction.
My mother in law lives in our house. I bet there really is not much else I have to say about that. When I agreed to let her move in I was right in the middle of nursing school AND it was told to me that it was TEMPORARY. Here we are four years later and no steps toward a change.
This, I would say, is the foundation of my stress right now. I finally had a talk with hubby about it and put a time limit on it. She does not pay us rent, she does not help with food or any of the utilities and we have her on our cell phone plan. I am done. He works for a railroad so is gone quite a bit so I don't think he quite understands what it is I am feeling. Not only is she costing us extra money just by being here but one of his brothers really oversteps his welcome in my house because his mom lives here. He will walk in without knocking, goes through the refrigerator, get on our computer and various other things without asking. I have a real problem with that. I told hubby if he did not say something to his brother I will and it will not be nice at all. Now, she does have her own space complete with big bedroom, full bathroom, walk in closet and an entire other bed room that she uses as her living room. She does not help with any house work and usually spends her days on the phone or reading a book. My kids are 9 and 12 and this is not the kind of example I want set for them. She is a very lazy person and seems to be happy living that way. Well, of course, why not. Living with us she does not have to do a damn thing. She is physically able to live on her own so she needs to go do it. What I don't understand is why does she not want to have her own place? This is why I put a time limit on it, I know, I know, it sounds harsh but like I said, no one asked me if she could stay here until she died.
Other issues I have with this arrangement is; if I am at work and hubby is at work, she is letting the kids do what ever they want and NOT following the rules we have set. Apparently she also feel she is entitled to go on OUR family outings ALL THE TIME, being informed of where I am going and what I am doing and actually getting irritated when hubby leaves the house without telling her he is going. Last I checked we are both in our 30's and don't need to check in with mommy every time we want to leave the house. If on the rare chance she is watching the kids, that is one thing but when they are not being left then it is none of her business.
This is causing me so much stress that him and I are starting to have issues. We have not had "issues" before. We are a normal couple that of course has had problems along the way but this is way different. I would just like to be able to walk naked through my house when the kids are at school, I want to be loud during sex with hubby when he is home and the kids are at school. I want to be able to have quiet time in my own home!!!!
I thought this was a cool shot, it was from our long walk I talked about yesterday. I had only the digital camera with me but I really wish I had brought along my SLR, I think it would have captured the color and texture better. Oh well........................... maybe next time.
I went to Target today to start school supply shopping today. OH MY GOD!! It was like the day after Christmas sale! HAHAHAHA Mom's were going insane gathering supplies, like there was a limited supply of glue sticks. They had their kids in on it too, "GET THAT BOX OF CRAYONS! NO NOT THAT ONE, THAT ONE NEXT TO IT!" As they frantically dig for black pins NOT THE BLUE ONES!! I did laugh out loud when I saw one mom try to get what looked like a 17 year old daughter, to get the pink back pack with a child-like design on it. At first I thought she was kidding but, nope, she was not. The look of disgust on the teens face was priceless. I do not buy anything that requires choice without my daughter with me, such as back pack, binders, etc. All the rest of the things such as paper, pens, pencils, I will usually get. To me, it was a strange game of football played MOM style -- block and pass, block and pass. As if there were no other store in town with school supplies!