This is a picture taken while on a long walk through the woods, which there is plenty of where I was. I was in western Pennsylvania at the family farm that remains in our family. One of my favorite things about going up there is that it is about as far from any city or town as a person can get. That may sound, a be, hell to some but I do find a lot of peace when I visit. The "road" that you see is one used by the gas company so it makes a nice path to follow.
This being a new blog for me and a new one to read for you, I thought I will tell a little about myself. I was not to in depth on the profile.
I am a 35 year old mother of two wonderful children, one 12 year old girl that is a riot and a 9 year old boy that keeps most everyone laughing. I have been married for .................... well it will be 17 years this month. I am an RN in an ICU unit and I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!! I love to read, I read World War II stories, anything from Steven King, Jodi Picoult, Harry Potter, and am on the Eragon trilogy now (well the third one comes out next month) I own my own Harley Davidson motorcycle, a 2007 Nightster. Believe me, I get a lot of crap from a few doctors and even some of my co-workers for THAT! hehehehe I run about three days a week and lift weights in between. I am not a fitness freak and still enjoy my chocolate and coffee, I just try to keep fit to counteract the bad things. I love my dog and my cat both of which make it very clear who they belong to. My husband is a railroad conductor so he comes and goes which sounds bad but to tell you the truth, it fits us very well.
Tomorrow the kids and I leave for about a week for the annual family reunion. For us it is about a 16 hour drive but always worth it. My mom grew up on a dairy farm that is now a beautiful place to vacation. I have many, many good memories as a kids running all over the land with my cousins, playing in the barn and getting so dirty it would take a wire brush to scrape through the dirt. Now my kids enjoy the same type of freedom on the old farm that I did.
For me this is more than just a week away, my stress level is far beyond what it ever has been, I don't know myself anymore, even my smile muscles are out of shape. Hubby is not going with us, this is a good thing that even he agrees with. This trip will not solve my problems but I hope it will at least relax me some so that I can go to my first counseling appointment with out sobbing uncontrollably the entire time.
My mom's side of the family is quite entertaining. Most of them actually are married to a distant cousin (and no.... I am not talking about Arkansas) I have been introduced to more than one aunt-cousin over the years. I am SOOOO glad that she met my dad out of state and that we live HERE.
There is not internet in the place I will be staying but I do plan to drive to the nearest town (about 30 minutes away) at least once with my lap top to find a wireless connection. I hate to put my few readers on hold just as I start this blog. However, I will have entertaining stories to tell!
I have two children, one of them being a pre-teen daughter. She is an amazing person that I am very proud of.
Today we went to visit with one of my best friends and her new baby. My daughter has never been around a baby as young as 3 weeks before so she was very excited about this. It was fun watching her hold and talk to this tiny little person. Now that he is a few weeks old now, he is starting to really respond to voices. It is so hard to remember my 9 and 12 year old being that small!
In the middle of his bottle he spit up. Well, maybe it was a bit more than spit up hehehehe it was everywhere! Of course my friend and I took this in stride but the look on my daughters face was funny. I told her to remember this moment when her hormones try to take over while she is with her boyfriend in the back seat of a car. I should mention that so far she is still not impressed with boys in general. She looked at me and said, "If he says he wants to have sex, I'll run!" Of course I know things will change but it was funny!
I love this friend of mine very much for many reasons but one in particular is her being the only aunt figure in her life. I have one brother than has never married, my husband has two brothers that are not married. I have wanted her to have another woman to be able to turn to that she can trust and that I trust to guide her should she not be comfortable coming to me.
Sometimes I feel like going into a room, turning off the light, curling into a ball and staying there. This is one of those times. I feel like today life hates me.
I have been waiting to get an appointment with this one specialist for a few weeks now and trying to remain patient about it. Today I finally get a call from the office only to be told that they can't take me because my health insurance was terminated as of July 1st. Excuse me? That is not correct, we have gotten our new cards, with higher fees of course but my name is still on them. I tell her I will call the insurance company and get back to her. THEY inform me that I am covered and the policy changed but all is well. OK, I call the doctor back and tell them what I was told. A couple of hours later I go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription only to be told that when they tried to run it through I came back as not covered under this policy anymore. So ........ I can't get into the doctor and now I can't pick up a prescription. I call the insurance company back to inform this of this and get, "According to our records, it shows you are covered. Your policy changed..... blah blah blah .........." I call the pharmacy they again tell me I am not covered. I call the insurance company back AGAIN, ask for a supervisor, get some more of, "I can help you with what ever the trouble is......" I again retell this completely fucked up story and tell this person that I have now heard from two DIFFERENT places that I AM NOT COVERED so that means the problem is on their end. Round and round we go with this. I have yet to mention that we have had this same insurance for more than three years. Oh, yes, the even better news I receive during all of this is being told that my children were dropped from the policy as of July 1st. It's a damn good thing we have not had an emergency room visit!! How is it that a health insurance company can drop someone from the policy that is automatically paid from every check? To get them covered again we had to fax copies of their birth certificates. WTF?!?! None of us are new to the policy, no new births or deaths, nothing has changed so why the hell are they doing this shit? Oh, I forgot to mention that last week we had to send a copy of our marriage license to them. Good God what the hell is going on?! All I want to do is pick up my prescription and see the doctor...........................
So here I am and how in the HELL did I end up here? Don't get me wrong, my life is not a bad one but as I look back at some of the choices I made I wonder WHY?? I guess that is a very normal feeling for just about everyone.
I have a great career as an ICU nurse that can be trying on the nerves and the emotions. I find myself questioning the ethical stand point of many people when it comes to some of the choices they make about their loved ones care. To be specific I am talking about the QUALITY OF LIFE ISSUE. We have come so far in the medical field but to what, and whose, expense? When and 85 year old patient is brought to us that is actively dieing and they have a legal document stating what they don't want, I very much want to stand behind that patient and what their wishes are. HOWEVER .......... in comes the children that over rides this document and tells us to pull out everything we have and "save my mom/dad!!!!" So here they are with a tube in every opening in their poor tired body, a triple lumen IV with every drip there is to keep blood pressure up, heart rate down, keep them sedated, nutrition, fluids, their arms tied down so they don't pull out the breathing tube and this is what they call "living". This will usually go on for a few days, only prolonging what is a natural process, so that we have to pull all these things one by one to finally let them die in peace. I understand giving a person a chance, "just to make sure" but if the person is 85 years old, or older, and they have very specifically indicated what they DO NOT WANT DONE, it makes me so sad and almost angry to put someone through this physical pain for the family.
I sound angry with that but believe me, it makes me tired not angry. These are just some of the topics I will be writing about in this blog. I am looking for any opinions you are willing to share, maybe they will help me to become a better nurse, mom, friend............